October is almost here and so are all the fun family activities from fall festivals to Halloween events. October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month and a great time to talk about what friends and family can do to support loved ones in a DV or IPV situation.
Domestic violence affects people of all ages, races, religions, marital status, education level, culture or employment. It happens in cities, suburbs, rural communities, all across the country.
According to the Office of Family and Children Services, Domestic violence is when a person does things to control someone that they have an intimate relationship with. A shift in power can happen so slowly over time that the other person may not even remember when it happened; it can also happen quickly after some sort of commitment or a change in the relationship. Physical violence is only one of the many ways a partner might try to gain power and control in a relationship.
https://ocfs.ny.gov/programs/domestic-violence/
Effects on Families
Domestic Violence and child abuse often occur in the same families and households. Many children who live in homes with domestic abuse are victims of abuse themselves. Children do not need to directly witness the violence to experience harm and are often more aware of the violence than we realize.
Children living in homes with domestic violence can experience serious negative impacts such as:
- Fearfulness
- Sleeplessness
- Lower intellectual functioning
- Anxiety
- Withdrawal
- Depression
- Problems in school
- Difficulty making friends
- Aggression
How to be an Ally?
The Center for Prevention of Abuse share the following things an ally can do if they have a friend or loved one in an abusive relationship.
If someone you know is in an abusive relationship, here’s how to help:
- Approach the person at a time and place that is safe and confidential.
- Start by expressing concern, such as, I am worried about your safety, I am concerned someone is hurting you.
- Take the time to listen and believe what they say.
- Communicate that you care about their safety, that they do not deserve to be hurt, and that the abuse is not their fault.
- Tell them they are not crazy. A person who has been abused often feels upset, depressed, confused, and scared. Let them know that these are normal feelings.
- Tell them good things about themselves. Let them know you think they are smart, strong, and brave. Their abuser may be tearing down their self-esteem.
Helping Domestic Violence Victims – Center for Prevention of Abuse
The National Domestic Violence Hotline share ways to provide either emotional support or material support.
You can provide essential emotional support by:
- Acknowledging that their situation is difficult, scary, and brave of them to regain control from.
- Not judging their decisions and refusing to criticize them or guilt them over a choice they make.
- Remembering that you cannot “rescue them,” and that decisions about their lives are up to them to make.
- Not speaking poorly of the abusive partner.
- Helping them create a safety plan.
- Continuing to be supportive of them if they do end the relationship and are understandably lonely, upset, or return to their abusive partner.
- Offering to go with them to any service provider or legal setting for moral support.
Depending on the situation, a survivor may be financially dependent on an abusive partner or otherwise lacking access to material resources. One of the most immediate ways you can support someone experiencing relationship abuse is by helping them with their material needs.
- Help them identify a support network to assist with physical needs like housing, food, healthcare, and mobility as applicable.
- Help them by storing important documents or a “to-go bag” in case of an emergency situation.
- Encourage them to participate in activities outside of their relationship with friends and family, and be there to support them in such a capacity
- Encourage them to talk to people who can provide further help and guidance, like The Hotline or our teen and young adult project love is respect.
- If they give you permission, help document instances of domestic violence in their life, including pictures of injuries, exact transcripts of interactions, and notes on a calendar of dates that incidents of abuse occur.
- Don’t post information about them on social media that could be used to identify them or where they spend time.
- Help them learn about their formal legal rights through resources like Women’s Law, which provides information on domestic violence laws and procedures.
- With their permission, ensure that others in the buildings where the survivor lives and works are aware of the situation, including what to do (and what not to do) during a moment of crisis or confrontation with an abusive partner.
Ways to Support a Domestic Violence Survivor | The Hotline
What to do if you don’t feel safe
If you are the victim of domestic violence, it is important to find a safe place for you and your children. These steps can help you make the transition of leaving more safely.
- Determine who will allow you to stay with them or lend you money if needed
- Always try to take your children with you or make arrangements for them to stay with someone safe
- Open a bank account in your own name
- Try to obtain a post office box in your own name so that you can receive mail safely
- Work with a domestic violence advocate to plan the safest way to leave your partner
- Rehearse a safety plan with your children
Checklist
Refer to this checklist of items you will want to take with you when you leave:
- Identification
- Driver’s license, car registration and title
- Children’s birth certificates
- Your birth and marriage certificates
- Security numbers/cards for you and your children
- Cell phones; addresses and phone numbers
- Order of protection if you have one
- Money, ATM card, credit cards, checkbooks and bank account information
- Health insurance or medical cards for you and your children
- House and car keys
- Medication and prescriptions medical records, immunization records
- Green card; immigration records, passports
- Divorce or custody papers
- Insurance cards; public assistance cards or other benefit information.
Even if you do not plan to leave, it is good to have a safety plan in case things change. Think about where you could go. Identify people who could help you. Make plans for your children. Make plans for your pets. Memorize crisis numbers or call 911 if you are not safe.
Resources in Niagara County:
Domestic Violence Hotlines
- Lockport 433-67716
- Niagara Falls 299-0909
- Crisis/Suicide Hotline 285-3515
Niagara County Sheriff’s Office Domestic Violence Intervention Program
- Lockport 438-3301
- Niagara Falls 286-4573
- Victim Assistance Unity 438-3306
YWCA of Niagara
- Domestic Violence & Rape Crisis 433-6714
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233
New York State Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-342-3720
